Rolling News Can Suck My Balls.

It's when someone newsworthy dies that Rolling News really gets into it's stride. The presenters, or hosts, or whatever they're calling themselves nowadays - they shake with joy at the prospect of talking for hours with limited information. Their TV chops are tested to the limit as they all compete to say the same thing for the entirety of their shift, how ever long it must be. But we watch it anyway. All fucking night. We check twitter to see who is cracking the funniest joke about the most recent dead person. So far I haven't seen anyone saying "RIP Kim Jong il"... No one brave enough obviously. Now it feels like the time has gone, too many people on my feed have already celebrated the death of the North Korean maniac. Now it would just look like I was trying too hard.

But I mean it. I may confuse him with the Team America version of him, but still he seemed like an interesting fellow. But that is neither here nor there, and surely unsurprising.

It gets to the point where these Cunty Mouthpieces are simply either reading the Wiki page of the deceased or speaking on the phone to someone with a tenuous link to them.

It was about 3 hours into me watching the BBC find new ways to say "Kim Jong il is dead!" that I realised something. I am not one of those people who thinks about my contribution to the BBC via my license fee when watching the TV, but I did last night. We pay quite a bit of money into the corporation, and right in the middle of the day, depending on when you get up, the two main channels turn into rolling news and Teletext, which is exactly the same thing, news and weather in old computer style font.

This lasts until the end of the day, around 6 am, I feel like I am being ripped off. Naturally I have no real issue with the BBC because they have amazing TV shows like Frozen Planet and Have I Got News For You, and many more that I can't currently think of. But in terms of entertaining the millions of people who, like me, don't sit down to watch TV properly until after midnight. Just as the BBC decide to stop programming in favour of pummeling "news" down our throats. But fear not, I obviously have a plan, an idea.

The public, those who pay for the British Broadcasting Corporation and love nothing more than bitching and moaning about anything and everything, should be given a proper forum. I suggest Public Access TV. Kill off that fucking Teletext nonsense that is so utterly redundant that it is a wonder anyone even watches it anymore. I don't want to sit down and have what the BBC want you to think about something shoved down my throat. I pay for this shit, I want to be entertained God Dammit! I wouldn't care what the subject was, and that would be the point. It would hopefully worm out the people who not only get offended but those who convince themselves that it's someone elses problem, when it's not. There would be little in the way of guidelines, certainly much less than the BBC currently adhere to. It would be able to be different rules because it is public access, it would be the word of the people paying for it. Therefore the same rules would not apply. Naturally there would be some rules. No animal fucking. No murder. No nationalism. Those things are just not cool. But anything else goes.

There is little in the way of decent background noise on after 2 am. Most channels end. By a certain time your options are roulette, news, teletext, shopping networks and babestation. The titties win that battle obviously, but sometimes it is fun to watch shopping networks to see how amazing the presenters can make a hair brush sound. It's a talent. It is like the Rolling News, in the sense that the presenter has to talk pish for hours, and hours, and hours, and hours about the same fucking thing.

I am happy to have the titties on screen. It is just a shame that the titties are all grotesquely fake and the faces the titties belong to are just awful. I get the appeal of babestation I guess, I mean I don't really. But I kind of do, people who aren't aware of the limitless free porn which is available on the internet, in which you can see just about anything you want, they are the target audience of this tripe. People do phone it, if they didn't it wouldn't be on. They phone some ugly tart with terrible make up and worse tits and they spend money on wanking. I mean, it's better than watching rolling news I suppose, but it's incredibly fucking stupid.

We, the people who stay up late, deserve to be entertained also. And the people who pay for the BBC deserve the chance to get their point across. I simply see no argument other than the completely redundant "people might get offended" argument. Because the people who get offended and feel the desire to complain about it can go fuck themselves. Then maybe grow up and understand the way the world works. There is no reason not to open late night programming up to the public. Be it filmed in an actual studio, if you have the resources, or simply you and some friends on a webcam talking about football, music, cars, clothes or whatever.

If we have learned anything with the rise of Social Networking it is that everyone has something to say, and more often than not it is hysterical, intentionally or otherwise.

The End Is Maybe Nigh.

The End Is Nigh! Repent, Repent Lest Ye Be Swallowed In To The Pits Of Hell!!

2012 may represent the end of times to the type of person who would form opinions based on something that they read on the internet. But the end I refer to is that of Reality TV. One can hope.

Jersey Shore, I felt, offered a gracious end to reality TV, a bunch of people with nothing to say being paid to get drunk, take drugs, fight and fuck. It was entertaining in the sense that these people actually exist, and not only that - you get to watch their magnificently oblivious lives play out on Music Television... I know, I know. If you remember MTV playing music you are old as fuck.

I watched weekly, I don't care what you think. But something happened and it wasn't the end of it. Which is a real shame. Instead the theme of the show spread over to us, we got Geordie Shore, where a group of even more retarded individuals mistook their entire heritage and upbringing and tried to convince the world that "true geordies" get tanned, and dress up like complete fucking idiots. This show was, in a sense, even better than Jersey Shore because while the Americans found a way to become insanely famous - to the point that someone known as Snooki, a truly awful individual with little or no common sense and absolutely nothing to say of any importance - became an international best selling author, their UK counterparts simply looked cheap, nasty and completely devoid of absolutely any sense.

As is the way with all shitty things in life, just when you think things can't get any shittier it does. And as is often the case in the UK, the standards were shat on once again by a stupendously shitty human being and all round awful cunt, Katie Price. Her abomination of a show "Signed By Katie Price" is just about the worst thing to have ever been commissioned by any TV network. It is massively pointless and feeds the growing trouble with the world. There were no objectives to speak of, it took the basics of all shows before it, the panel, the judges house etc, but it wasn't interested in any talent. The contestants walked on to the stage and, based on how they looked, were selected by Jordan to be signed for no real reason... By the time I stopped watching it some weeks in to the series, they still had no prize to offer. That is the trouble, the dumbing down of society and the lowering of standards we have shown in the last few years as a race. The biggest issue I have with this form of TV, and it is perfectly personified in "Signed By Katie Price" is that the younger generations desire to get something for nothing and a strong desire to have it now, in favour of working for it and earning it.

Which brings me to this. The reason I am glad Reality TV didn't disappear after Jersey Shore. The US version of X Factor peaked this week, and I saw something that warmed my heart and almost caused me to have a hernia from laughing. In would like to vote for Rachel Crow's reaction to being booted off the karaoke championships as the greatest moment in reality TV history. I can think of nothing that made me smile more than the moment that kid broke down on stage and cried to her mummy "you promised I'd win". This may seem harsh, to laugh at the tears of a child, but you are missing the point. This kid seems like every inch the kind of child that you would despise if you had to spend time with it. She learned a valuable lesson last week. What that lesson actually is, I am not sure... And more importantly I don't care. But what we have earned from this is one of the funniest moments in a history of other peoples triumphs. Millions tune in to put people like her on a pedestal and, for some obscure reason, give a damn about them... I tune in for moments like her being booted. Much like I only watched Big Brother on eviction night in the hope that one of the assholes would fall face first down the metal steps, no one ever did. Ten years, not one missed step, not one stumble.

"You promised me I'd win". What an idiot. She put her faith in the wrong people. Watch the moment that Steve Jones and his weird hybrid accent say "the act with the fewest votes" she smirks because she has been promised she'd win, and she believed it. Idiot. It made for glorious TV though, unless you watch it for the other reason. Perhaps you believe that these people deserve the fame they get off the back of these shows, in which case you can go fuck yourself. It isn't for any musical pretentiousness on my side, I don't listen to it, I don't care what they sing. My problem is what these shows have done to the idea of working hard to become good at something. These people don't want to be good at what they do, because by going on these shows they already think they're amazing. They just want to be famous and can't be bothered putting the work in. They don't want to wait 10 years, at the end of which they might not be famous. They want sleazy pricks with cameras to follow their every move so that everyone can see them falling out a club. Which is the only amazing thing about them. And not in a good way.

It maybe all boils down to my inbuilt hatred of stage school kids, or kids with the kind of confidence that would result in them standing on a stage at 12, in front of the world and not having even a shadow of a doubt that they would win.