Election 2008. Pt 1
By
Henry Hunter
You have to applaud The USA, they are relatively new to the whole “being a country thing“, I’m guessing it can’t be more than a few months, but they are getting there. I love the place because people are either incredibly smart, or incredibly dumb, there is very little grey area. Which, I suppose, is true of any place in the world, the difference in America is that they have two camps which split them right down the middle, democrats and republicans. For anyone on the British isles, its kind of like Labour and Tory, but not really, I doubt Gordon Brown ever put a cigar in his aides poon. He might try, but he is far too much of a fidgety fat fuck to complete the task.
The Republicans are responsible for a lot of bad shit, the democrats are responsible for bad shit also, but they cancel them out with cool things like spunking on their assistants cocktail dresses. Kudos. This year we will get to see the season finale of the greatest sit-com ever made, The Bush Administration. It has ran for eight comedy filled years, but as all things, its coming to an end. No longer will we be entertained by the worlds most powerful retard. Of course there are always the reruns, and hopefully a release on DVD.
Challenging for the job, in the blue corner, representing the Democrats is Barrack ‘the basher’ Obama, opposing him in the red corner, representing all that is wrong with the world, sorry, the republican party is Vietnam vet, John ‘the geriatric’ McCain, a man so old, he appears to shit himself every time he breathes out. Sadly its looking to be swinging his way, he will probably be the next president, and if he follows the pattern of all old people, he will probably die soon from extreme age. The problem we are then faced with is his choice of Vice President. By finding Sarah Palin, the republicans have introduced the world to one of the thickest, most infuriating cunts on earth. Seriously Palin, learn how to read an autocue, you look like you are watching a tennis match. The moral standpoint enforced on all Americans by these fools doesn’t seem to count in the Palin household, her daughter, whose name escapes me so I will refer to her as ‘Communal Vag’. Communal Vag is expecting a small bald republican, no not John McCain (boom boom), but a little illegitimate child, born into a house of sin, although I guess the poor bastard that provided the sperm has been forced into marriage, which I’m sure he is chuffed to bits about. Silly boy. It probably wasn’t even worth it, I heard she doesn’t give head.
The ironic thing about the whole debacle is the Republicans attacks on Obama’s policy regarding sex education being taught to kindergarten children. A policy which would probably prevent young girls, just like Communal Vag having unwanted pregnancies. Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Palin, a pit bull in lipstick… she said that. Her attitude and political policies stink like a pit bulls lipstick… I said that. John McCain, a true American hero? He got caught, how is that heroic? Its just like the author that made a fortune because he wrote a book about the time he got caught, congratulations to John McCain and that author, you excel in being absolutely useless. Like a vagina in a knife drawer.
I love the drama of the US elections though, you just don’t get that in this country, all the obvious racist and sexist undertones to their public speeches, and of course the obligatory wheeling out of our old friend Rudy Giuliani, you can just picture the scene, backstage at the Republican convention.
John McCain: Quick Rudy, we are losing them, they are seeing through our bullshit, we need you now more than ever. You need to pull out the ‘Rudy Special’.
Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know John, its been a while, literally days since I used it.
John McCain: I need you, your country needs you.
Giuliani walks out on stage, stands at the lectern, composes himself, the crowd look utterly unimpressed. Silence falls over the crowd. Will he pull it out the bag, impart some of that knowledge he keeps in his onion shaped head? He raises his hand in the air.
Rudy Giuliani: 9/11!
He turns and walks off the stage to a standing ovation, the crowd go wild, he has done his job.
At the end of the day, I think it is pretty clear, I really want Obama to win, I can just picture him, awesome as he is, sending a video to the republican party HQ shortly after his victory, standing on the desk in the Oval Office, grabbing his crotch shouting “Yo! McCain/Palin, this would be you if you could read an autocue, and weren’t dumb as fuck, I’m the first black president, since Clinton, and you can suck this!" Before you know it there is a weight bench on the White House lawn, and the cops are getting called in the middle of the night because Obama is kicking it with his boys, Stevie Wonder, Bill Clinton, Robert De Niro etc watching Scarface full blast and getting wasted. Which is much better fun than a republicans night in, which involves snorting cocaine off of Condoleezza Rice’s cock, and sacrificing children on Alistair Crowley’s birthday.
