Of the many reasons I had for coming to North America, most of which I haven’t really figured out yet, cheeseburgers are pretty high on the list. Nothing too fancy, no gourmet blue cheese, no fancy bun, not even bacon. I’m talking about the standard cheeseburgers available in your run of the mill giant corporation burger joint.
Not that I don’t enjoy your more fancy burger, I do. But those are hard to eat on the run. The noble art of snacking, eating on the run.
The only real problem is that I have the same issues with giant fast food corporations as mostly everyone else. But I have learned to put them aside in the ongoing quest to find the best burgers. Its not so much an attempt to stave off the hunger as much as it is a life long quest. A really tasty quest.
Some years ago, on my first trip to the West Coast of America, I wandered into a place called In N Out burger and my life changed forever. This may sound like an exaggeration to some, but I will chalk that up to those people never having been into this Mecca. In N Out burger is the greatest burger joint burger on the face of the planet. There was life before my first Double Double, and my life since. Like some crazed junkie chasing his first high, I have been trying to sample as many standard burger joint cheeseburgers as I can in the hope that one day I will unwrap one and experience what I did 6 years ago on that sunny day on Sunset Boulevard.
The go-to cheeseburger is obviously McDonalds. For the longest time I stopped going to McDonalds because I got caught up eating the Big Mac, or any of the many limited edition burgers they release monthly. But they built their reputation on burgers, fries and drinks when they were a simple burger stand. That is the one thing that people, myself included, forget when bitching and moaning about giant corporations, they get to that size because they have good product. So forget the Big Mac, or the angus burger or whatever shite they throw in a box, shake up and audaciously present as a burger. Eating one of those travesties isn’t worth the sorrow. You only hate yourself after. The classic McDonalds Cheeseburger is the best readily available cheeseburger for the on the go snacker.
However, that isn’t to say that it is the best fast food burger. No no, not by a long shot. It is just handy, there art McDonalds everywhere, squire. USA is awash with convenient eating. From fast food to Mall food. The restaurants are even chains. Families will go out on a Friday night to Chillis, or Applebees. Because no matter where you are they are all the same, you know what you are going to get. I understand the appeal.
The next best fast food to In N Out that I have tasted is in the fine establishment of Five Guys Burgers And Fries. But again, like In N Out I am not including it. It is simply too good. The toppings options are plentiful, including jalapeños, that alone keeps it out of the list. But if you ever get the chance you should try it. The fries come covered in piri piri and they give you a fucking mountain of them. Plus they give you free access to as many monkey nuts as you can handle as way of an appetizer or desert. Depending on how you roll.
The best thing about Big Boy burgers is the money boxes they sell in the shape of the famous logo. Carl’s Jnr was OK, they do a chilli burger which, unlike most chilli burgers, wasn’t a pain in the tits to pick up and eat. I had my first Burger King in ages in a town near Vernon BC with my cousin Neil, it was pretty special as it was my first time trying maple bacon. I was only just getting used to The Canadian Staple, Maple. Even the new One Hundred Dollar Bill smells like maple, I shit you not. I convinced a Canadian girl that it smells like that because it is made from compressed maple syrup, and if you are ever stuck for maple syrup you can simply melt the note on your waffles. Some Canadians are beautifully naïve.
A&W is pretty shitty. It is a ghetto ass burger joint started in Canada. The burgers are all family orientated in name, Mama Burger, Papa Burger, Baby, Teen, Grandpa etc. You get the point. Plus, in keeping with it’s geographical origins there is also a Buddy Burger. They do however have their own Root Beer, which is pretty fantastic, if you are in to fizzy juice that tastes a little medicinal. The best thing about A&W is that the soda, pop or fizzy juice (according to where you live) is served in an iced mug.
For every Five Guys Burgers and Fries there are many A&Ws. For example the likes of Jack in The Box, Fatburger, Arby’s and White Castle can all suck my balls. Wendy’s I have yet to decide about, it is pretty low rent, but at the same time they give you proper bits of tomato and lettuce. There is a lot to be said for that.
Randomly, about 2 months ago while wandering Calgary, I went to Dairy Queen with my buddy Martin, who promised me they did burgers. I didn’t believe him. We got our order and sat down to eat it. I wasn’t expecting much. I certainly didn’t expect to be eating a contender. Dairy Queen cheeseburgers are probably the best Standard Cheeseburger I have had the pleasure of eating.
I have been a little quiet of late on here, and now you know why. I have been writing a lot, drinking a lot, not really sleeping and working on occasion to help keep me here a bit longer. But mostly I am Cheeseburger Hunter.
