I don't know how many of of you fine people out there have ever contemplated mass murder. Those who have will probably understand the conflict of thinking about it one minute and then trying to laugh it off the next. Contemplating a killing spree doesn't make you a psychopath, I said to myself before my shift this morning.
Worrying. Not really, some people boast about how many "birds they're going to shag", I boast about theoretical mass murder. I am not likely to embark on such a spree. But if I did, I have my defense all worked out. Well, I don't have it all worked out. Basically I'm going to blame Christmas and hope the Judge sees my point. It isn't Christmas as a whole, I do love all the movies that come on, and all the time off, and the food, and a massive number of girls who become easy due the realisation that they may very well die alone. What I don't like is the nonsense involved in buying gifts, and the fucking music.
If I ever found myself in a court of law, facing a judge who just asked "why, Mr Hunter, did you kill so many people, in such a grotesque and frenzied manner?" I would answer, "the songs your Honour. The Xmas Songs made me do it. They pushed me over the edge."
If I had to pick one song, or artist out of all the shite songs released by shite artists in honour of the proposed birth of Jesus Christ, it would probably be that Chris Rea 'Coming Home For Christmas'. Although that would probably change on a day to day basis, given the shady nature of almost all Christmas songs. Some are ok, Fairy Tale of New York is a good one, but I am struggling to think of any more. Usually they are just nonsensical jingles that have had Christmas references shat all over them. Songs like Reas wanky nonsense and "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday" are what I imagine Hell sounds like.
Today the Christmas songs don't even have to have Christmas in the title. This is largely thanks to a TV show that far too many people talk about in a serious manner.
Christmas is a funny time of year. Christmas day is a day in which most people will gorge happily on food, surrounded by loved ones and play with the countless meaningless gifts they recieved, with little thought for less fortunate. But, hey, fuck it... New Xbox, check you out. It is a tricky day for me because I don't really like getting presents, and I am not too enamoured with buying them. But this is no scrooge vibe, I just hate the Christmas Shopping experience, I feel bad that people put themselves through it for something that I will forget about in time. There are exceptions. I do remember a lot of gifts. I got a gun one year, and the computer I write on another year. But that's it. I don't remember any others. The gun I'll kill people with, and the computer on which I'll confess.
I don't even know what this years 'must have gift' is, such is my level of enthusiasm for Christmas. Is it still Buzz Lightyear? That's the last big one I remember. When people were killing other people for a plastic toy, rather than saying no to their child. Christmas spirit does not exist in toy shops. Remember the days when you could take Gold, Frankencense and Myrrh, gift it to an illegitimate child and be remembered for thousands years to come. I miss those days.
People that I would find it easy to shop for if I let one of them in my life, is the "retro's cool" mob. The type of person who thinks it is entirely acceptable to invite you over "to play computer" in the 21st century and hand you a controller to a mega drive or a SNES. You could literally buy one of these people anything, as long as it is old and shit. Buy them some Myrrh and see their reaction they are trying to hide behind the massive rimmed glasses that they don't need. What is the point of technological advancement? Don't get me wrong, I was once given, as a gift, a Sega thing you plugged right into the TV. It had all the Sonic games, PaperBoy, Golden Axe and a bunch of others. It was great, for 5 minutes. I played the first Sonic for those 5 minutes, before putting my station back on. I found my self feeling like I was disrespecting the fine men and women who invented the Xbox and Playstation. These people have changed my life and I'm fucking about with a blue hedgehog. Pass me my AA12 and lets take some fools down.
Once again I started this because of the time that has passed since I last posted, WorldNewsVine takes up most of my words. And I had something I wanted to say, but listening to these fucking Christmas songs has destroyed my brain. How can you have a Holly Jolly Christmas? What does that even mean? More to the point, if it was Christmas everyday, then the whole thing would be pointless, wouldn't it? These songs just don't make sense. Apart from the song about Santa kissing Your Maw, because I've met your maw. Everyone's kissed her.
Merry Christmas from Henry Hunter.
