a fool and his gold.

February 14th, a day chosen by both card companies, and hard line Roman Emperors, as a day of public affection and death. That may sound a bit over the top, but the death I refer to is not that of a convinently named Roman, who fucked his way to an early martyrdom. It is the death of romance I speak of. I can be a romantic, I enjoy cooking for the fairer sex, aslong as I get laid for my troubles, so I guess I am not that romantic, certainly not in the bed anyway. I do have a good grasp on what is romantic though, and a great detector for shit deals. Cards with tacky, impersonal drivel printed on the inside are not romantic, neither are teddy bears which hold hearts, nor over priced roses. Romance is spontaineous, in the day of St Valentine, when he was sent to prison to await his death, he was "friendly" with the jailers daughter, and sent her love notes signed "love, your Valentine", and thus a day of over the top consumerism was born. The idea of having one day out of 365 dedicated to letting your other half know you love them is a complete contradiction surely. There is no romance there, do something you never do today, don't buy tacky shit to show your feelings, hallmarks words mean nothing to your beau. Cook a meal, write a song or poem, even oral sex or rimming would suffice, nothing says I love you like a tounge in the ass.
I would really love to see some cards with poems that guys would really say, "roses are red, violets are blue, we are together because I am afraid to die alone... and so are you." Sure, it doesn't share the same flow as the original, but still. "postie postie with angina, help me score some hot vagina." Classic. I will not be sending any cards, I haven't since 1994, I think you should stop sending valentines cards when you grow up, leave it at school when people actually care about it. If not you are in danger of competing with your children. I may sound like a Valentines scrooge, I just hate idiotic holidays, I work in a hotel/bistro and Valentines day is fully booked, come the evening we will be filled to the rafters with lovers, people feeling the pressure to splash the cash, expensive wines, three courses, I love it, we will make a fortune, idiots. In the last few days I have taken more phonecalls looking to book on Valentines night than I have since the New Year, and I take great pleasure in informing them that we are fully booked, and that maybe they should have booked weeks ago. They will no doubt end up exchanging cards in McDonalds eating the special valentines burger they will probably have on, complete with free love heart necklace. That is what love is. Remember that.

the next generation of world leaders

Some times things just don't seem to get to you, you spend most of your life pissed off, many things contributing to it, your work, your girl, your own actions. Sometimes it just doesn't bother you. I woke up today and I wasn't pissed off, which is very strange because I'm constantly angry as fuck. It lasted most of the day, then I ruined it by doing something extra dumb, I read the papers. I have no idea why, maybe boredom. I read about a 13 year old kid who has recently fathered a child to a 15 year old girl, now there is a fair chance that the result of this pregnancy will be as dumb as both parents, and most definately a benefit baby, which is just what we need just now, but there are more 'dads' coming out of the woodwork demanding a dna test, which shows how dumb they are, no care that they could be done for statutory rape, although by the sounds of it they would need to pull in the whole town, as this slag has a track record to say the least. I wondered what her parents reaction would be, they will suffer to, they are still in six year and they are already grandparents, I jest. I hope. These kind of stories make you wonder if China had it right, sterilise the bastards, I'm pretty sure this kid won't invent anything or cure any diseases, it will probably apply for Xfactor. These people have no business sharing oxygen with the rest of us, sure the legal age of consent it ridiculous, as most laws are regarding anything fun in this country, but we can't stand for this kind of nonsense, the kid will probably have sired atleast another two kids by the time he is legaly finished at school. Maybe it's just me showing my age, but what ever happened to childhood, climbing trees, playing football. Now it's all sex and drink and indie music, in my day we listened to the beatles and told girls to fuck off. I hope every child involved in this debacle gets jailed, steralised and have their little benifit babies taken off them. Stitch up her vag, its ruined now anyway, imagine being a 15 year old mother, not only is your childhood done for, but you will have the baggiest vag in your school. Congratulations, you are all idiots, and I wish you nothing but bad things from here on in, you bring down the name of the rest of the human race. That is quite a feat.

Two girls, one disgusting love of shit in common.

In an earlier piece of writing, titled 'Violence in your childrens face', I stated that people who have never played violent games, but insist on bitching about them was on par with me talking about 2 girls 1 cup, as I hadn't seen it. Well now I have. I got curious, all the reaction videos had me believe nothing was that disgusting and they were all in on the same joke. They were not, and there absolutely is something that disgusting. It took me ages to find it, I will post the link at the bottom, but I would suggest not watching it unless you have the urge to be disgusted. I doubt I will ever look at a girls asshole the same ever again. A few things struck me as being odd regarding the now famous video, the first was that the girls seemed to really really enjoy it, if you don't believe me you should watch until the end when one of the girls has to jam her fingers in her throat to be sick. Which is odd because if I was in that room, not even in the scat, just the room, I certainly wouldn't have to prompt the vomit. The next odd thing is the decor, why is there a plant pot on a washing machine in the middle of what appears to be a bare living area, not as fucked up as 'why are they shitting in a cup', but odd none the less. Also, did it not freak everyone else out how much the girls with the bad eye make up shit in that cup, almost a full pint I would say, I didn't see it coming, I always assumed that girls just dropped pellets, like a rabbit, but this one shit like a true champion.
I would love to know how much wedge they got for it, if any, maybe they owed a gangter some cash and that was the payment, maybe they just love it. One thing for certain, I doubt I will ever be able to eat chocolate mousse or ice cream with out flashing back to 2 girls 1 cup, easily the most unbelievably disgusting video I have ever seen. Since it went live there has been an influx of 'reaction videos', where everyone from 'Stewie' to someones grandmaw watch it and have their reactions taped, they are worth a watch, I wouldn't do it because I don't want everyone I know to see me jack it to scat movies. I said it was disgusting, I didn't say it wasn't hot. It is so bad that it is almost impossible to watch it for free on the net, and you can see anything for free on the net, the net wouldn't accept it, the video running time is shorter than the time I looked for it and it nearly made me sick, and I knew it would. However,

http://www.thatsphucked.com/post/2007/11/2-girls-1-cup-video.aspx

Watch it if you have the balls.

Nic Cage Vs Tom Cruise.

There is no stopping Tom Cruise. He is, after all, with the help of his merry band of Scientologists, "the authorities". In a way I am glad he told us, because for years I just assumed the police were. According to The Cruiser, in a situation such as a car crash only a scientologist can be of help. He doesn't really give a reason - but when talking religion, reason is not really necessary. I will point out at this point that this is not a pop at Scientology - as religions go, it's definitely the most interesting. Make no mistakes - this is most definitely a pop at Tom Cruise. He annoyed me a long time before I had even heard of L. Ron Hubbard, thetans or Axioms. I would never openly question another faith; if you want to live your life with one eye on the finish line, then do it, but don't push your shit on other people, and other people won't question you. Personally, I will find you when, and if, I need you.

After all the bullshit is put to the side, all I am left with is a snivelling, closet dwelling, angry little man - Tom Cruise. I really, really don't like Top Gun - which I will make an example of - I really don't like any of his films, but I class this as the absolute worst he has to offer, and it completely baffles me - I could watch it over and over, and never see anything good about it. Maybe if I liked the taste of dick I would appreciate it more, but as it stands I don't like Tom Cruise, I don't like Top Gun, and I don't like the idea of finding out what dick tastes like.

Nicolas Cage, on the other hand, is a gloriously over the top action star - had he been in Top Gun, I would watch it every night, because he doesn't turn every film he is in into homo-erotica. Cage is the quintessential action hero - like Willis back in the day - one with which to relate. I imagine enjoying a drink and drug binge with him, and when I pass out, he would rob my wallet and watch, then try and set fire to my teeth, while Cruise, when presented a handsome, drunk and unconscious man such as myself, would go straight past the wallet and watch, and straight for the cock.

Nic Cage, I Salute you sir.

Letter to The Guardian

I replied to a article in the guardian last week, as it seems they won't be printing it, i will post it here.

Why no-one else is mourning the ruined market.

I am glad Michael Hann, and his undoubtedly lovely wife, don't care about Camden burning down(12/02/08) - because if the locals don't care, then why should anyone else? The only real tragedy is that the flames didn't dance through the whole miserable little town. Although I am sure if they did, the dance would be a very tight trousered, indie affair.

Hann uses the word 'we' like he is on the council of cool cats in Camden; as if he speaks for his minions like some sort of overlord, whose job it is to look individual (like all the other individuals in Camden), listen to the new three-chord wonderband, and decide on a day-to-day basis which pub is cool to hang out in. In his hugely entertaining, yet unbelievably hypocritical tirade against Goths, cheap rubbish on stalls, wannabe indie kids on the look out for drugs, and, let's not forget, the "sedated cattle" remark, it is almost as if he thinks there is anything even remotely interesting about this place - there isn't really, unless you are trying to buy a rasta hat, thick rimmed sunglasses, or, of course, drugs. A lot of people in Camden want you to buy drugs.

So, Michael, the lovely little town you call home is the 'drug theme park' you mentioned, and it always will be, as long as the cool Camden-ites continue to flaunt their drug use publicly. In my experiences of Camden, it's a town full of wannabes (you included Mr. and Mrs. Hann), a sorry bunch of faux-bohemians desperately trying to cling onto what Camden once was - a place for artists, down-and-outs, and burnt-out hippies to hang out; no iPods, no forced image, just the vibe. Now, the closest thing you get to vibe in Camden is people sitting in their flats smoking grass, listening to Bob Marley, blissfully unaware of how tragically cliché they have become.

Sports and games

Big sporting events always grab the attention of the public. Every summer at this time, Wimbledon week, people go crazy, if you are a tennis player all year round, you dread this tournament because every posing asshole is out on court with their useless expensive equipment all desperately trying to hit a serve like federer, or wearing knee length shorts and tank top in an attempt to look like Nadal. Newsflash, even he looks like a tit, so what do you think you look like when you keep hitting the net, look at your strings all you want asshole, a little rubber shock absorber stuck to your ’Wilson’ racket won’t help your pathetic form. On the up side, at least these people are trying to play a decent game, but when the Golf Open comes around, every douche bag who ever went to their local Crazy Golf digs out their dads pringle gear and go about dressing like a prize cunt. Stripy polo shirts and waterproof tank tops don’t go, idiot, what made you think they did? I have never fully understood the attraction, or the point of watching golf, taking in a round is different, and sometimes enjoyable, but to stand around a golf course waiting for some guy to maybe stop near you to hit a ball, just seems like a massive waste of the time you have on this earth, its not like going to watch live football, or boxing or anything like that, you are literally standing in a field waiting for a guy to walk past you, and paying for it.
As you may have noticed sports kind of annoy me, more the fans and players than the actual sports, but there are rare exceptions, people who excel at their sport with true talent, not people like David Beckham, sure he can score free kicks occasionally, but when it comes to beating a man, the only time you can say he does that is when he is wanking off his ‘wife’. True sportsmen are those with the personality to match the skill, Muhammad Ali, Gazza, John McEnroe to name a few. Unless you are one of those people I don’t want to know your sporting achievements, because in everyday life, to us , the regular Joes, there is only one game that matters, one true sport, Pro Evo on the playstation 2. The closest any one of us will ever get to sporting great status is at this game. People, most of whom don’t know any better, or are terrorists, claim that Fifa is better, but as I say, that game is only played by idiots and terrorists.
As any real man will tell you, not much stings quite like finishing bottom of the league against your mates, you could be dumped by your girl, punched in the face, fired from your job or flicked in the nuts, but none of them destroy you in quite the same way as a heavy defeat at Pro Evo. It can truly break a man. It is quite simply the greatest sports game on the market, and if you don’t play it, for whatever reason, not owning the game, not owning a computer, not having friends, or maybe you are an idiot or a terrorist and you prefer Fifa, whatever, you have my sympathy, because its not just a game, its sitting with your mates getting wrecked, its deciding what team to go, its landing on Real Madrid on a random choice, its sticking one it the top bag from 30 yards, it’s the look on everyone’s face when they have been defeated, its going to your bed a champion, even if it is only known to your mates. Its when the hot curvy chick in the grey skirt suit is handing out medals/hand jobs to your team, when you can finally sit back and relax, the hours you just put in were worth it. There’s the feeling you want, and you are the only one in the room feeling it, everyone else is completely and utterly fucking depressed.

Violence in your childrens face.

I found myself hiding in a doorway in the middle of Times Square in Manhattan. I have just killed alot of people, I needed to, well I didn't need to mow that last lot down with the car that was more of an accident, contrary to what my commitment to speed and accuracy would have you believe. I have half a clip left for my desert eagle that I stole from some fool I wasted, and around twenty bullets for my M4, the fully automatic jewel in my vicious crown. I have a knife aswell, but I doubt I will get close enough to use it. There is an enemy rounding the corner to my left, I'm hiding in what used to be the WWE store ( for anyone who remembers it) I'm on my own, all these clueless pedestrians are no help at all. There is an abandoned, slightly mangled car infront of me. "Fuck it" I shout as I confront the approaching enemy, blasting him in the chest with every bullet in my handgun before diving into the car and boosting out of there. In my haste to kill the guy I alerted the police, two minutes of excessive speeding in this fine automobile I stole and I had lost them, and was now focused on my next kill. After the evasive driving classic of four lefts, I ended up back in Times Square which was now a full on war zone. I still had no bullets, but I did have a car, so I went for them, slamming people into walls, throwing them into the air and putting their cars off the road. I bailed from my car, which was now in flames, luckily I walked straight into a cache of weapons, I now had an AK47 and I used it with precision, what followed was a scene of such graphic horror, pure rage, fear and excitement all in the space of a minute, it gets the blood flowing. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world. You see I am sitting on my mates couch, the city I am laying seige to is Liberty City. Home, for the time being, to the most ruthless and cold blooded killers on XBOX Live.

Grand Theft Auto is an incredible game, each one has been great, and each one has arrived with a barrage of disapproval from the more conservative voices, teachers, religious types, desperate polititions etc. "Violent games breed violent people" one such person said in The Daily Mail, a bastion of fearmongering among the British people. Maybe it does, I am not here to deny that, there is every chance that it does make angry young loners do crazy shit, the bottom line is that I don't care what effect it has on your children. I only care about me getting to play this game. My problem comes from the proposed banning of games such as Grand theft Auto, Manhunt or Bully, pretty much every Rockstar release. If you want these games banned then you had better do your homework and not just recite something some clueless pansy said in the news, and who has never set foot in Liberty City, Vice City or San Andreas. Unless you have sat and tried to play these games then you have no place even in the outskirts of the conversation about computer violence let alone dictating what people can and can't play. It would like me giving a seminar on Two Girls one Cup, sure I have heard about it, know what goes on, and have witnessed people reactions to it, but I haven't seen it, and quite frankly don't want to, but I certainly wouldn't involve myself in a conversation regarding the ins and outs of it.

GTA4 is a masterpiece, nothing short, as are the Call of Duty franchise. As a child of the 80's I grew up on shitty 2d platforms, and watched gaming evolve into all out, realistic war. Rockstar games gave us that. What have it's critics given us? Leading the charge was NY GOV Eliot Spitzer, a man of morals, who fulfilled the office of New York Governer with pride. Oh, wait. No he didn't, he resigned over an incident with a hooker. I guess paying for sex is good, and violent video games are bad. Although prostitution is illegal and violent games are not, so I don't really know, maybe we should ask Spitzers wife and kids, they should know the details