Nic Cage Vs Tom Cruise.

There is no stopping Tom Cruise. He is, after all, with the help of his merry band of Scientologists, "the authorities". In a way I am glad he told us, because for years I just assumed the police were. According to The Cruiser, in a situation such as a car crash only a scientologist can be of help. He doesn't really give a reason - but when talking religion, reason is not really necessary. I will point out at this point that this is not a pop at Scientology - as religions go, it's definitely the most interesting. Make no mistakes - this is most definitely a pop at Tom Cruise. He annoyed me a long time before I had even heard of L. Ron Hubbard, thetans or Axioms. I would never openly question another faith; if you want to live your life with one eye on the finish line, then do it, but don't push your shit on other people, and other people won't question you. Personally, I will find you when, and if, I need you.

After all the bullshit is put to the side, all I am left with is a snivelling, closet dwelling, angry little man - Tom Cruise. I really, really don't like Top Gun - which I will make an example of - I really don't like any of his films, but I class this as the absolute worst he has to offer, and it completely baffles me - I could watch it over and over, and never see anything good about it. Maybe if I liked the taste of dick I would appreciate it more, but as it stands I don't like Tom Cruise, I don't like Top Gun, and I don't like the idea of finding out what dick tastes like.

Nicolas Cage, on the other hand, is a gloriously over the top action star - had he been in Top Gun, I would watch it every night, because he doesn't turn every film he is in into homo-erotica. Cage is the quintessential action hero - like Willis back in the day - one with which to relate. I imagine enjoying a drink and drug binge with him, and when I pass out, he would rob my wallet and watch, then try and set fire to my teeth, while Cruise, when presented a handsome, drunk and unconscious man such as myself, would go straight past the wallet and watch, and straight for the cock.

Nic Cage, I Salute you sir.