I Just Sent This to E4. I can't Take Any more.

Dear E4.

Alex Zane is a cunt.

I have sat here trying to come up with a more grown up way of starting this that would ease you and I into it with an element of class and sophistication. But Alex Zane is a cunt and there is no other way to put it.

The tiny suit wearing scourge of Rude Tube has had enough time to show any of the talent one is supposed to possess in order to land a job presenting a TV show. He has also had enough time to write jokes that are actually funny, or failing that find people to write them for him. Although I would imagine that even if he got the greatest comedians who have ever lived to write jokes for him he would still manage to drain every ounce of humour from them such is the magnitude of the Comedic Black Hole this prick creates every time you cut back to studio. Hate is a strong word, I am aware of this, but I hate Alex Zane. I hate him hard.

From the off, without even needing to get too deep into the vicious things I could say about this dick, he is extraneous. Much like that wee fanny Richard Hammond on Total Wipeout. There is no need to cut to someone in a studio for introductions to something that wouldn’t need an introduction if the director just ran the video. There is no need to try and expand on an already funny clip with a sketch which can only be described as a terribly unfunny, pointless reiteration of a video I only just fucking watched.

Have any of you people ever watched You’ve Been Framed? Although the videos are largely predictable, middle class mishaps that more often than not result in some poor bastard taking a shot to the nuts or old ladies exposing their big panties, there is no onscreen presenter. They hired a funny comedian to narrate it, they probably didn’t even think of doing what you do because it is just utterly pointless. But you do it and besides the nonsensical decision to have a presenter you still chose Alex Zane, which is really incredible. Just how you landed on his name is a mystery. You could have hired anyone, you could have hired Gallagher to smash the shit out of fruit in the studio, the two are on the same comedic level. Alex Zane opens his mouth and the sound of a watermelon being obliterated by a sledgehammer wielding imbecile rings in my ears with a chorus of applause from the truly, truly dumb. It distracts me from the videos and I don’t have Sky+ so I can’t fast forward through it like my friends do, I just have to stomach it. Even if I did have the ability to scan past him I would still see his face and those fucking suits.

There is a man working for you dressed in children’s suits telling jokes that aren’t funny, making puns that would shame a tabloid hack, performing sketches that do nothing but waste your time and ours. It would benefit both of us if you fired Alex Zane. If you sacked him and hired someone who is actually funny and has a decent speaking voice to narrate Rude Tube then you would save some money and be able to put more videos on the show. The latter also benefits us, the viewers, but we would also benefit from his dismissal because it would no longer be such an emotional rollercoaster. One second I am laughing like a madman because there’s a guy doing really impressive air drumming using his cat‘s paws, the next I am having to endure some wee talent void in an ill fitting suit cracking wise in a way that isn’t just unfunny, but actually depressing and infuriating. The only explanation I can think of is that his Mum and/or Dad have a connection to the production company or your channel.

You need to do something about it, E4. Only you can do something about this. He had a good run, but things need to change because he really is a cunt. A cunt of Herculean proportions, if you asked the British public “who is the biggest cunt on TV?” I promise that a really high number would say Alex Zane. Because he really is The Biggest Cunt on TV.