Nic Cage is God & The Rock is a Modern Classic.

I am often accused of being a little infatuated with the works of Nicolas Cage. Which is fine with me because I know that I am. His output is unlike anyone working in Hollywood today. Cage probably has more detractors than fans, but to those who get the madness, mania and massive output, he is a Cinema Great. If you don’t think so it’s OK. You’re only wrong, it’s no big deal because I am sure you’re right about some things. Just not this.

I could barely fit in a book all the glowing things I have to say about Nic Cage, I could, and really do want to go into intricate detail about his back catalogue but who has the time? I am still working on turning the story of my summer adventure into some kind of coherent mass of words. I have resurrected an old script, trying to write 3 short stories which make up the larger picture of possibly my favourite idea, it involves Nazis. I am also currently, until two minutes ago, working on the pilot of a detective show.

Basically, I am trying to say I have plenty to be getting on with, but last night I watched The Rock and feel like talking about it at great length.

There are a few pictures which could be argued are The Best Ever Made. But this is always reliant on opinion, or rather the ability of the person(s) speaking to make a solid case on behalf of the movie, its makers and it’s stars. I always stand by True Romance when asked that all too silly question of What is Your Favourite Movie? True Romance is a well written story with great dialogue and an incredible cast who are all on top of their game. Think about the support cast in that picture, the Christopher Walken/Dennis Hopper scene is a stone cold classic piece of Hollywood Gold. Even the tiny part Brad Pitt plays is memorable. It is an easy and educated answer to a fairly redundant question.

The Rock, however, is just as good. It is a very different beast though. It isn’t as cool as True Romance because very little is, but as far as action movies go, The Rock kicked back into life the Action Thriller. Not only that but it became a blueprint for a whole new generation of film makers.

Released in 96 it did a lot for a genre that had become a little uncool after the heady heights of the 80s, a decade which seemed to be made up entirely of Action Movies, catchphrases and violence all the family could enjoy.

Like True Romance there is a Tarantino connection, he wrote True Romance and did work on the script for The Rock, albeit uncredited. Being that Quentin Tarantino is one of the greatest directors of all time and a purveyor of quality dialogue since before his first own movie changed the way people looked at film making, this should only increase peoples love of The Rock.

The Rock is the story of disgruntled Marine General Francis Hummel, played by Ed Harris, who steals rockets armed with VX Gas and plans to fire them at San Francisco from his base on Alcatraz unless, of course, he is paid one hundred million, billion dollars. Classic set up. But will he pull it off?

Probably not because the Feds have an ace up their sleeve. Nic Cage plays a Chemical Weapons Expert called Stanley Goodspeed who is brought in, he thinks, to educate the Seal team, led by Michael Biehn, on how to disarm the rockets and save the day. Little does he know that he will have to actually join the seal team for the incursion. It is important to point out that Goodspeed is a man who drives a beige Volvo and eats pressure for breakfast, but he is not a field agent, and has never killed anyone.

To help the seal team and Nic Cage fight Ed Harris’s army of mercenary traitors is a man who has been in jail longer than Nelson Mandela, locked up, forgotten about and left for dead. Former SAS spy, master of escapology and a man who knows the USA’s most secret secrets from The Alien Landing at Roswell to the JFK assassination. Sean Connery, ladies and gentlemen, playing John Mason, from Glasgow. His involvement in the story is thanks to the fact that John Mason is the only man to have ever broken out of The Rock and survived.

The cinematic soup created by the people involved, established early on, gives off an aroma that can’t be argued. It smells great.

When it comes to Nic Cage, as I said earlier, some people get upset, angry and loud about how he can’t act, or makes too many movies, or something about his hair. While I can see how people don’t get it, I am here to maybe push those people in the right direction. He has taken the thing that made Die Hard a great franchise- the every man bit- and ran off in an odd direction with it. Nic Cage plays the every man with Gusto. He makes decisions that most actors couldn’t. He makes decisions that most actors don’t even know are options. His refusal to swear in The Rock, for example, makes for some of the most memorable lines in the film. I point you towards Zeus’ Butthole, Gee Whiz, Golly and What Say We Cut The Chit Chat A-hole! He could have sworn, I would imagine swearing was in the original script, but Cage knew that would be easy, opting instead to keep it clean because maybe a chemical weapons specialist has no interest in swearing. Maybe Stanley Goodspeed was brought up by loving, but strict parents who taught him well. You don’t know.

The irk which forced Ed Harris’s hand is that the American Government failed his men who were left to rot outside Baghdad after operation Desert Storm. This is another thing the movie seems to put across at times, the ineptitude of the American Military, while speaking highly of the British and their handling of situations. This, to all the youngsters, was how the so called Special Relationship used to be. Britain were in charge of the thinking and America took care of the blowing shit up. It worked. But that is all ancient history now. Thanks 9/11!

This film truly has it all; domestic terrorism, gas that melts your skin before doing such a number on you that you spasm so hard you break your own back, conspiracy theories, shadow ops, Alcatraz, obligatory car chase down that big hilly road in San Francisco, brutal kills, quality action movie dialogue, edge of the seat sequences, high quality photography, bad guys you really hate (like the guy with the big jaw) good guys you really like, believability, empathy for certain characters. It is quality from start to finish. And, as if all that isn’t enough, it has Michael Fucking Biehn in it. To those born at the right time, Biehn is a stamp of pure quality.

I better start trying to wrap this up, we all have stuff to do, but I felt compelled to gush a little, but don‘t want to spoil it. The Rock is a movie that should be taught. I studied cinema, briefly. Not once was it brought up. We watched Battleship Potemkin and took it to pieces for what felt like months, we watched Italian Neo Realism for kicks and of course we watched Citizen Kane and I had to learn to deal with the highly pretentious talking about it as if it is the only film ever made. But not once was The Rock brought up. The Rock is a modern classic. It only gets better with age. It is easy, I suppose, for people to disregard it because it is a Nic Cage action movie from the 90s featuring Sean Connery, a man who is usually so hammy he makes me crave mustard, yet it all comes together to make a not-far-from-perfect picture. This kind of thing came up at Christmas when I watched Hook, it is easy to forget that Captain Hook is one of Dustin Hoffman’s finest performances. The way the world is today, and was back then, movies are only taken seriously if it deals with super heavy subject matter. Look at what nonsense Hollywood shat out this month, the film about how a tsunami affected an American family, forgetting the story was about a Spanish family. That isn’t even the point. Making a film about it, to me, is pointless. I saw the news footage and the doc made up of home videos shot at the time. I couldn’t take anymore. I certainly couldn’t take Hollywood’s take on the matter. Although I am in no doubt that the dialogue will be totally hilarious. Movies don’t have to be super serious to be a game changer. You won’t hear about that Tsunami movie in 20 years, but people will still be watching The Rock.

If you have not watched it in a while or, for some nonsensical reason, never watched The Rock you should do yourself a favour. Sit down, switch off and bask in the full glory of it, potentially The Greatest Action/Adventure/Thriller Ever Made.

I Just Sent This to E4. I can't Take Any more.

Dear E4.

Alex Zane is a cunt.

I have sat here trying to come up with a more grown up way of starting this that would ease you and I into it with an element of class and sophistication. But Alex Zane is a cunt and there is no other way to put it.

The tiny suit wearing scourge of Rude Tube has had enough time to show any of the talent one is supposed to possess in order to land a job presenting a TV show. He has also had enough time to write jokes that are actually funny, or failing that find people to write them for him. Although I would imagine that even if he got the greatest comedians who have ever lived to write jokes for him he would still manage to drain every ounce of humour from them such is the magnitude of the Comedic Black Hole this prick creates every time you cut back to studio. Hate is a strong word, I am aware of this, but I hate Alex Zane. I hate him hard.

From the off, without even needing to get too deep into the vicious things I could say about this dick, he is extraneous. Much like that wee fanny Richard Hammond on Total Wipeout. There is no need to cut to someone in a studio for introductions to something that wouldn’t need an introduction if the director just ran the video. There is no need to try and expand on an already funny clip with a sketch which can only be described as a terribly unfunny, pointless reiteration of a video I only just fucking watched.

Have any of you people ever watched You’ve Been Framed? Although the videos are largely predictable, middle class mishaps that more often than not result in some poor bastard taking a shot to the nuts or old ladies exposing their big panties, there is no onscreen presenter. They hired a funny comedian to narrate it, they probably didn’t even think of doing what you do because it is just utterly pointless. But you do it and besides the nonsensical decision to have a presenter you still chose Alex Zane, which is really incredible. Just how you landed on his name is a mystery. You could have hired anyone, you could have hired Gallagher to smash the shit out of fruit in the studio, the two are on the same comedic level. Alex Zane opens his mouth and the sound of a watermelon being obliterated by a sledgehammer wielding imbecile rings in my ears with a chorus of applause from the truly, truly dumb. It distracts me from the videos and I don’t have Sky+ so I can’t fast forward through it like my friends do, I just have to stomach it. Even if I did have the ability to scan past him I would still see his face and those fucking suits.

There is a man working for you dressed in children’s suits telling jokes that aren’t funny, making puns that would shame a tabloid hack, performing sketches that do nothing but waste your time and ours. It would benefit both of us if you fired Alex Zane. If you sacked him and hired someone who is actually funny and has a decent speaking voice to narrate Rude Tube then you would save some money and be able to put more videos on the show. The latter also benefits us, the viewers, but we would also benefit from his dismissal because it would no longer be such an emotional rollercoaster. One second I am laughing like a madman because there’s a guy doing really impressive air drumming using his cat‘s paws, the next I am having to endure some wee talent void in an ill fitting suit cracking wise in a way that isn’t just unfunny, but actually depressing and infuriating. The only explanation I can think of is that his Mum and/or Dad have a connection to the production company or your channel.

You need to do something about it, E4. Only you can do something about this. He had a good run, but things need to change because he really is a cunt. A cunt of Herculean proportions, if you asked the British public “who is the biggest cunt on TV?” I promise that a really high number would say Alex Zane. Because he really is The Biggest Cunt on TV.